Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
