Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
