overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
