You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
