I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
