Duck Duck Cougar?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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