Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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