Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
