Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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