i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
