"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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