i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
