so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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