ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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