Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
