what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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