Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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