Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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