im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
