OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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