i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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