Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We have so much sex to catch up on
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
