my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
