I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
