I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
