Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think my moral compass just broke
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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