You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You took a bar mat shot.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
