She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
