don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
