Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
