Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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