Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just want to make out with him forever
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
