Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just gift wrapped bread.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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