he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
