considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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