hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
