I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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