There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
