I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
