I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
