Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
