So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
