The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
