this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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