True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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