you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
