i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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