Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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