Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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