am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
