Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
