I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize