Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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