So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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