I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
