If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
